While walking into a supermarket on Staten Island, a Russian woman knocked me over with her very large, torpedo-like boobs. Had them things been strapped down I probably wouldn’t have hit the floor and bruised my privates. But, even if she’d had a bra on, I still would’ve fallen down. Hmm, at least I got a little action.
Seriously, on Wednesday three people were arrested for public nudity in New York as part of a creative protest of bad business practices on Wall Street and around the globe. The man and almost fifty other “performance artists” said their “target was U.S. and world financial institutions.” No one was hurt or provoked. According to CBS News website, the three were arrested because they “created a public disturbance.” I’m sure more harm than good would come from being allowed to walk around naked; (we’ve gotten way too “civilized” for that). But it seems we’re living in slightly paranoid time.
Think back to when you were an infant, how most people love a naked baby. A lot of us love the smell of a newborn’s scalp. People touch, pull, nibble and kiss a baby’s skin like it’s the most precious of jewels. I have seen some shameless Italian grandmothers blowing raspberries closer to a baby’s privates than they’ve been to their husbands on their own honeymoon. It’s totally fine for babies to run naked through McDonald’s or on a beach. When changing a diaper of course a baby can and will be naked, or at least pants-less in public. But the last time I messed myself in a public restroom after a late night White Castle run, I didn’t dare remove my pants to clean up; I knew I’d get arrested. And try jumping up on that plastic Koala changing table: it would never hold.
So babies can be naked in public, but for adults it’s out of the question. A person walking to their mailbox in the nude is just not allowed. But is it just because they’re naked that it’s wrong, or is there a unique kind of perversion also going on here. And naturally it has to do with money.
There’s no question that sex is all around us: the images on supermarket tabloids, billboards, television, commercials, on-line advertisements, even dating service websites are all using our deepest attraction to the sexes to sell stuff. Capitalism is a theme that comes up a lot in my writing, and astronomical amounts of money are being made through conditioning people to block our natural drive toward sex. It’s not okay to run around naked looking for sex, and anyone who commits a sex crime should face the maximum punishment. But regardless of religious beliefs we all know we were created with a desire and need to keep making more people; and huge companies keep getting richer and richer by exploiting that need.
As soon as we hit the age when it’s possible to create another human being, even when a kid first discovers its genitals, we have to cover up. (“How dare you wave that thing around here, Johnny. You nearly gave your mother a heart attack!”) Because it’s not the naked body that scares us, (we’ve all seen fully dressed people look nauseating), it’s what we can eventually do when naked that causes the problems. It’s totally acceptable to tempt consumers with girls in G-strings, plastered everywhere digitally and in print, because money must be made. But any time a person leaves their house wearing nothing but a briefcase we immediately think something sexual will happen.
Being nude in public is probably not practical. It just seems really ridiculous to think that standing naked on your front lawn is a crime. We all know that, regardless of whatever higher power or creator we believe in, we all showed up here without a wardrobe. Maybe it’s up to God to decide who looks better in (or out of) a bikini, not us. Like the three nude ‘artists” on Wall Street found out yesterday: better stay inside your house, separated from the public by plenty of sheet-rock and wood (the kind that grows on trees). Dare to wave to a passing car or say: “Good morning, Mr. Johnson!” from your front stoop, and you’ll be headed for the even bigger house. But as long as you’re going to jail, may as well skip the clothing because either way you’re probably getting screwed.